Reel Review Roundup

Reel Review Roundup’s Worst Films of 2012

Some people think posting a worst of list puts out too many negative vibes. I think that if one is to post a best of list, then there is no harm in a little balance with a worst of list. While the films listed here are what I believe to be some of the most mind numbing, incompetent films made, somewhere in the pile may be someone’s masterpiece number one. If this leads to some enlightening film discussion then that can only be a good thing. Noticeably absent from this list are more obvious choices Taken 2, Bait 3D and The Expendables 2 – while all poorly scripted and wretchedly executed, they were so bad they left me in tears of laughter. How could I banish films that made me laugh so hard to a worst of list? They turned out to have more entertainment value than the laugh-less comedies One For The Money, Project X and Fun Size.

Top 10:

10) A Little Bit of Heaven – How does a director go from the daring, heartbreaking, challenging The Woodsman to a flaccid rom com? Barely released, this story about a young free spirit Marley (Kate Hudson) diagnosed with cancer who falls for her doctor doesn’t even use the disease to give this lightweight story an edge. She is like “Cancer, meh.” If she doesn’t care, why should we?

9) Underworld: Awakening – Why is it always the bad franchises that never die? A tortuous 88 minutes of running, jumping, diving and shooting with the occasional pause for expositional dialogue. If it wasn’t for the overly loud soundtrack, this would put you to sleep.

8) Street Dance 2 – The kind of film where the lead character cries poor then plane, train and automobiles his way around Europe (and not even in the most cost-effective way) to recruit dancers to form a new group. A feature-length film with barely enough story for a 20-minute short where the “actors” are wooden and even the dance sequences become a bore.

7) Fun Size – Who was this film even aimed at? A raunchless Superbad/The Hangover for pre-teens (except for the huge chicken statue humping the rear of a car), without any jokes that would even appeal to the Nickelodeon crowd, then giving extra attention to a Mum going through a mid-life crisis. Confused and without a grasp on comedy or what audiences enjoy.

6) Alex Cross – Mistake number 1: Replacing Morgan Freeman in the popular role with the charmless Tyler Perry. Mistakes 2 through to 5: the horrible script, pedestrian direction, laughable dialogue and lame acting. Matthew Fox, surprisingly creepy as the villain, is the only positive in this poorly made “thriller’ where every cliché in the book is ticked off the list. Trying to surprise us by having Cross’ loved ones be targets? Try harder.

5) Mental – P.J. Hogan’s misconceived attempt to recapture the dramedy tone and zaniness of Muriel’s Wedding. The performances are sensational, but the characters are horrible. Instead of coming up with new plot ideas, Hogan’s script just repeats the theme while splashing in some off colour humour and filthy dialogue. The most offensive part is when Hogan tries to get laughs from a date rape story. It’s almost as offensive as the menstruation blood on the white couch. Yuck.

4) Cosmopolis – Aren’t limo rides supposed to be fun? Robert Pattinson sheds the sparkle and glitter from the Twilight series to take on one of his more serious roles as a monotone, mega rich jerk who spends the day trekking around town in his super fancy limo for a hair cut. “Yawn” doesn’t even do it justice as he indulges in pretentious philosophical conversations, while getting a prostate examination. Director David Cronenberg clearly has a lot to say about society but did he have to make it so clinical? This tops his A Dangerous Method in the “all talk, no action” category.

3) Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close – More like Extremely Bratty & Incredibly Annoying. A highly strung New York kid, traumatised by the death of his father on 9/11, tries to find the lock a found key opens. A sort of The Goonies search for treasure, with dramatic overtones, but carried by a bratty, mercilessly annoying character and child actor (who sounds like he is reading cue cards). While a tiny nugget of what is trying to be achieved here (alternate 9/11 point of view and how people dealt with the tragedy) is barely recognisable, this is torture to sit through.

2) Project X – Another found  footage travesty. This teen flick is as offensive as V/H/S. The arc of the story had so much potential – house party turns a quiet street into a war zone – but that is where the creativity ends, or more where it is objectified and vomited on. The cameras leers on underage girls, creeping up their bare legs and zooming in their crotch and cleavage. Then all the abhorrent behaviour is condoned when the party host’s dad high fives him. A projectile vomit of clichés and disgusting, adolescent behaviour. Blerg.

1) V/H/S – An attempt to revive the horror anthology genre and breathe life into the found footage genre by meshing the two came out a big old mess. A horrific and heartfelt first segment is a distant memory after the barrage of poorly scripted segments that follow that are populated with deeply unappealing characters. Apparently, every guy with a video camera wants to film himself or others have sex and every female that has a camera shoved in her face wants to take her clothes off for it. Then there’s the segment where a woman lures her friends into the woods as bait to trap a killer. Wouldn’t you love to be her BFF? Repugnant.

Dishonourable mentions:

The Devil Inside

The Lucky One

Act of Valor

The Vow

Not Suitable for Children

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows

The Watch

The Darkest Hour

On The Road

Man On A Ledge

One For The Money

Friends With Kids

Safe

The Rum Diary

Lawless

Dark Shadows

Swerve

Snow White And The Huntsman

Total Recall

The Hobbit

This entry was posted on December 28, 2012 at 8:25 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.